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[AlcoveBook-dev] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 13


From: The Grand Pooh-Bah Of Humour
Subject: [AlcoveBook-dev] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 13
Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2003 09:31:48 -0400

Ó¿Ó<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->Ó¿Ó
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Formerly known as Purehumour...Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour is
sent by request ONLY.  If you wish to unsubscribe from this list
please see the instructions at the bottom of every mailing.

Okay I think PBS (Public Broadcasting System) has gone just a
little too far in their latest pledge drive.  It is okay to break into a
concert featuring Yahni, Roy Orbison or Fleetwood Mac to demand
(yeah they demand) money from their veiwers.  In fact I have come 
to expect it!  Whenever they have any really good specials on PBS
you just gotta know it is time for their pledge drive!  But as I said...
I think they have gone way too far this time.  We tuned in to PBS
over the weekend and caught Sesame Street.  Now it has been 
years since I have watched Sesame Street so I figured what the 
heck...I need a laugh.  So in the middle of Sesame Street in comes
the pledge drive people.   Now I thought that was pretty weird...trying
to drag money out of kids...but wow the tactics they used.  On comes
Mr Pledge Drive and he is holding a gun to Big Bird's head...he tells 
the kids to get their parents to send money or the bird gets it!  I just
think that is too much...have to write a letter to PBS later.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Carol, Rubin, Laura, SunAmy
Dolly, Ann.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">Jokes</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Lets start with a quickie:

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values.  Ron said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, did you?"

Greg replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

Ó¿Ó------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Today's issue is brought to you by:

Publishers, come join our Advertising Co-op
We are now in pre-launch and accepting Publications
to join with us.  Gain new subscribers and the
opportunity to make some money at the same time.
Check us out at http://www.dotcomadco-op.com
<a href="http://www.dotcomadco-op.com";>AOL Link</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Things you will never hear a man say.
 
* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I
don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

Ó¿Ó----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------Ó¿Ó
**New** Have YOUR birthday listed ...Join the Birthday
Club by visiting:
<a href=" http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/ ">Birthday Club</a>
http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1950 Suzi Quatro Detroit, singer (Stumblin' In)/actress (Happy Days) 
1951 Christopher Cross Texas, singer (Sailing) 
1951 Deniece Williams singer (Love Wouldn't Let Me Wait) 
1952 Billy Powell keyboards (Lynyrd Skynyrd-That Smell, Freebird) 
1956 Suren Nalbandyan USSR, lightweight (Olympic-gold-1976) 
1958 Scott Valentine actor (Nick-Family Ties, My Demon Lover) 

.....and on this day in history:

1959 1st US Air Force Academy graduation 
1962 Air France Boeing 707 crashes on takeoff from Paris, kills 130 
1964 Ringo Starr collapses from tonsilitis & pharyngitis 
1964 Rolling Stones begin 1st US tour (with Bobby Goldsboro & Bobby Vee) 
1965 Gemini 4 launched; 2nd US 2-man flight (McDivitt & White) 
1966 European DX Council formed in Copenhagen (shortwave listeners) 
1966 Gemini 9 launched; 7th US 2-man flight (Stafford & Cernan) 
1968 Yanks turn 21st triple-play in their history lose 4-3 to Twins 

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Ron: "So how often do you have sex with your wife?"
 
John: "Oh, four or five times a week."
 
Ron: "That's more often than I get it!"
 
John: "Well, it should be... after all, she's *my*
           wife."

Ó¿Ó----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------Ó¿Ó

Toasty warm but without the toast
By John Martin

I finally mustered the courage to ask the gas company to
send someone to relight the pilot light on our heater the
other day. I felt I had to seeing as winter has really
set in.

"You want us to do WHAT?" I half-expected the person at
the gas company to say when I phoned. "Light your pilot
light? What are you: a man or a mouse?"

"A very cold, shivering mouse," I would have had to
confess as I sobbed. "Please don't be mad at me. I just
can't figure out how to do it myself."

More?....

<a href=" http://johnmartin.actweb.net/pilotlight.html ">John Martin</a>
http://johnmartin.actweb.net/pilotlight.html

Ó¿Ó-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------Ó¿Ó

"Have you seen this commercial for Viagra? The guy
comes home, he's rushing around, he's cleaning the
house, he's cooking dinner, he's setting the table,
he's putting flowers and candles out before his wife
gets home.Do you think women watching the commercial
go, 'Never mind the sex. Where do I find a pill to
get my husband to do all of that?'"
-Jay Leno

Ó¿Ó-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------Ó¿Ó

Over 280 original, crazy adult stories!
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Cross Dressed Wedding
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Arizona State Quarter
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Alaska State Quarter
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/alaskasq.shtml ">Alaska State Quarter</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year.  I
introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we
me over the Internet.  He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to
pick me up.  Ever the geek, Hans naively replied," I just used a regular
56K modem."

Ó¿Ó---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------Ó¿Ó

wasted webspace site of the day:

make your own band and hear it play

<a href=" http://www.createbands.com/ ">create your own band</a>
http://www.createbands.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket
counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent
was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued
to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the
agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you
were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's
going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Enter to Win a FREE Sony Home Theatre:
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Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His
friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few
years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been
going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That," he added,
"was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Ó¿Ó--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------Ó¿Ó

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal
friends. 

 Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Unique and primitive forms of animal life exist in Australia. How many families 
of mammals are classified as native to the country?

A. 1
B. 7
C. 24
D. 78

<Answers in Next Issue!>

04/05

Last Issue's Answers:

The first known of these has been dated to 1750000 BC in Olduval Gorge, 
Tanzania. What is it?

B. Campsite.

QQ: A semicircle of stones was constructed within a concentration of animal 
bones and stone tools, making it the first known homebase or campsite. Just 
food for thought at how far we have come, technologically speaking.

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: address@hidden
Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

If Men Got Pregnant
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World Map
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Tequila & Women
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Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night 
in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie.

The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could 
not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk 
if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under 
the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

Ó¿Ó-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------Ó¿Ó

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out 
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family 
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Strange Breed</a>
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Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

Ó¿Ó---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------Ó¿Ó

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the 
past!

June 3rd 2000:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m456.html ">Archives</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m456.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Do you love this ezine?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
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Ó¿Ó--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------Ó¿Ó

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud
crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates and
dishes. Suddenly, I felt a stinging pain in my hand. I was immediately
escorted to the hotel doctor. "What happened?" he asked. "Attacked by a
flying saucer," I replied. 

Ó¿Ó------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

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Who Wants To Marry A Hobo
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Who Wants To Get A Divorce
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/unreality9.shtml ">Who Wants To Get A 
Divorce</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night 
in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie.

The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could 
not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk 
if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under 
the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Free Amazon Gift Certificate:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/10.html ">Amazon Gift Certificate</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two Marijuana plants.
The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal.

The Viagra pills scoff at them.

One Marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks, "Don't you
think we should be legal?"

"No," said the Viagra pills, "We are hard-on drugs."

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Discount Acupuncture
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon13a.shtml
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Planet</a>

Anatomy 101
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/anatomy.shtml ">Anatomy 101</a>

Find A Peach
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/peach.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/peach.shtml ">Find A Peach</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------Ó¿Ó

A local council in Suffolk has received a complaint from
a woman who says her neighbour's horse was urinating too
loudly.

Hers was just one of a number of unusual noise complaints
received by Babergh District Council.

The council has published a list of the 10 most unusual
complaints to coincide with next week's National Noise
Awareness Day.

Another complainant contacted them to ask if they would
tell his wife to stop shouting, reports the Eastern
Daily Press.

There was also a complaint from a home owner asking if
council officials would remove a bird's nest from their
garden as the noise was irritating.

The council also received a call from another local
resident who enquired if officials could ask her neighbour
to switch her telephone ringer off as it was too loud.

The council's technical officer, Heather Worton, said:
"We are urging neighbours to work together to avoid
anyone getting to the point where, rightly or wrongly,
they think they have a cause to complain or may be
subject of a complaint. A combination of common sense
and tolerance is essential, especially during the warm
summer weather."

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A friend of mine had never been fishing in her entire life, but 
she wasn't about to tell her new rich boyfriend that. "What?; And 
look like an idiot?" she said to me.

After about an hour aboard his yacht, she turned to her new
boyfriend and said, "Umm, those little red and white thingees?

How much do they cost? "He looked at her a little funny, shrugged, 
and said, "The float? I guess they're about a dollar. Why do you 
ask?"

"I owe you a dollar then.; Mine just sank.

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[||||]       G U E S T    B O Y        [||||]

"A dozen bids made on [e-Bay] for Johnny Carson's boyhood home in 
Norfolk, Neb., were rejected by owners because they were too low."    
(LAD/6/1)

Probably because Johnny only showed up two nights there during his 
entire boyhood.

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. 
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, 
it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed 
twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, 
I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight 
attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights 
went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights. 

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and 
said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines." 

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

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Ó¿Ó---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------Ó¿Ó

Frank Durante thought he was in the clear. He had
walked into a bank, ran out moments later with a
stack of stolen cash and was back in his Ford
minivan, worried only about watching his speed.

Denise Garcia wasn't about to let him get away,
however.

Garcia, who was outside the bank waiting for her
son to pick up his paycheck from a nearby grocery
store when the robbery occurred Thursday, noticed
Durante running from the bank with several
employees in pursuit.

So she chased Durante in her Dodge Durango, got his
license plate number and called police with directions.
Minutes later, Durante was in custody. He was being
held early Friday without bond at the Land O'Lakes
Detention Center on robbery charges.

"I'll never see the light of day," Durante said. "I'm
a four-time loser. They're going to throw the book at
me."

Durante, 72, said he had spent 23 years of his life
in federal penitentiaries in Georgia, Connecticut and
California. He also claimed that he robbed a Kokomo,
Ind. bank two weeks ago.

Ó¿Ó---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó

What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? 

Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

Ó¿Ó--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I don't know exactly why it happened, but journalists are held in the
same contempt as lawyers and used car salesmen. We're branded as lying
muckrakers, all thanks to a few dishonest reporters who decided it would
be much easier to make up their stories, rather than tell the truth.

The latest fraud was 27-year-old Jayson Blair of the New York Times, who
wrote numerous fake stories at the Times before finally being caught. He
duped the editorial staff of what has been called one of the most
powerful newspapers in the world.

For three or four years, he claimed he filed stories from distant
locales when he was really in his apartment, created entire scenes and
conversations that never occurred, and even used the Internet to steal
quotes and stories from other newspapers around the country.

So now Blair joins the ranks of Janet Cooke of the Washington Post,
Stephen Glass of the New Republic, and the Boston Globe's Mike Barnicle
and Patricia Smith. And like most of these other liars, he'll end up
smelling like a rose when it's all over.

Of course, Blair didn't accept responsibility for his own actions. He
told the Associated Press he was "struggling with recurring personal
issues, which have caused me great pain. I am now seeking appropriate
counseling."

What kind of counseling do they have for pathological liars?

Blair: Hi, my name is Jayson, and I'm a liar.

Liars Anonymous: Hi Jayson.

Blair: I didn't really write all those stories in the Times. I was too
busy working as an undercover secret agent, spying on France.

Actually, Blair's counseling was to check himself in at a $10,000 per
week drug rehab clinic. According to a story in the New York Post, this
was to overcome a cocaine habit, not to cure himself of habitually
deceiving his employers. And he spent six whole days in the posh Silver
Hill Clinic, in New Caanan, Connecticut.

So what should we believe? Whether he actually had a coke habit? That it
was his coke habit, and not a major personality flaw, that made him a
fraud? Or that he got all better after only six days?

What I'm more likely to believe is that -- in the American tradition of
rewarding stupidity and dishonesty -- Blair will try to make money off
his pack of lies. There is talk that Blair could receive a huge book
deal, and have a made-for-TV movie produced about his shameless career.
He may even be picked to star in Universal Picture's "Big Fat Liar 2,"
although I may have made that last one up.

Unfortunately, pulling the Blair skeleton out of the closet has pulled
out a few others as well, and journalists all around the country are
suffering for it. Last week, Rick Bragg, a Pulitzer Prize winning writer
for The Times, was fired after a brief controversy over how he wrote his
articles.

Bragg used the reporting and legwork of an uncredited freelancer named
J. Wes Yoder to provide background for a story published in 2002. And
while this practice may surprise many people, using "stringers" is very
common in the literary and journalism arenas.

Do you actually think big-name reporters like Rick Bragg do all their
own grunt work? Heck no, that's what interns, research assistants, and
new reporters are for. They gather research, do interviews, and even
provide some of the writing.

Think of it this way: Steve Jobs does not build the computers at Apple,
President Bush does not write his own speeches, and Kenneth Lay did not
steal Enron's money all by himself. Even Michelangelo had assistants who
did a lot of his work for him.

Most big-time news organizations will give credit to the stringer's
contribution, but in this case, Bragg didn't. So, The Times said Bragg
had violated their policy of creating a minor problem while they were
recovering from a major one, and suspended him for two weeks. But Bragg
showed them: he quit. He's got a $1 million book contract with Alfred A.
Knopf, so he'll do just fine.

However, The Times editors did admit they use stringers to beef up their
reporters' stories. "But as a general rule, nonstaffers only supplement
our correspondents' own basic reporting. They do not substitute for it,"
they said in an email to Times staff. They then emailed copies of "8
Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter" to their friends without
attaching Bruce Cameron's name to it.

So now, thanks to loathsome frauds like Jayson Blair, journalists
everywhere have a harder time being believed by their readers. And it's
not like we were at the top of anyone's list of "Most Trustworthy
People" to begin with. While Blair may think he pulled a fast one on The
Times editorial staff, he's only succeeded in hurting every other
hard-working journalist in this country -- people who work their entire
life to be honest and ethical and are now tainted by Blair's deceit.

And for that, I hope nobody gives him a dime for his story. Let him go
work for the government instead. They could use a few more good liars.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of this ezine.
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