[AlcoveBook-dev] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 14

[The Grand Pooh-Bah Of Humour]

Ó¿Ó<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->Ó¿Ó
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Formerly known as Purehumour...Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour is
sent by request ONLY.  If you wish to unsubscribe from this list
please see the instructions at the bottom of every mailing.

Well what a miserable week! I have officially decided that I HATE
computers and all they stand for...on Tuesday afternoon my 
computer took a tumble on me...actually it was more than just
a tumble...it was like a fall from the roof of the highest building
in the world...all of a sudden it began to do weird things...maybe
all of those porn sites finally fried its brain...and I lost most 
control of it....I contacted some of my internet buddies for advice
and it seemed that the best advice was to format my hard drive...
now it is a long time since I have had my hard drive formatted but
wow I can tell you it was great the way she wrapped her lips 
around ... oh wait I digress...lets get back to it...so I backed
up as much of my files as I could on my spare hard drive and went
to town...now I am pretty computer saavy...but this got me stumped
completely...what I neglected to do was save copies of some
pretty important drivers...and when I went to restart my computer
it just didn't want to co-operate with me!  For over 24 hours I owned
the worlds most expensive paper weight as that was the only 
thing that my computer was good for!  So the main question then
becomes....how the hell did I fix it right?  Well lets just say I didn't,
and lets just say that thank God that condom broke about 18 years
ago...because if it hadn't...then my computer genius son would 
never have been born...and my computer would still be looking
at me and trying to figure out its purpose in life!  That said...I have
some porn surfing to catch up on ... so enjoy this because it was
3 days in the making!

Today's issue includes contributions by: The Posens, Barb, Di Ann,
Melissa, SunAmy.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">Jokes</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Lets start with a quickie:

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? 

About 40 lbs.

How do you equalize the two? 

Feed the elephant.

Ó¿Ó------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Today's issue is brought to you by:

Wow...three of the sexiest females you have ever seen can
now be owned by you!  Yes these three will delight you as
they bounce and jump all over your computer screen at your
every beck and call!  Fun to play with and FREE to download:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/female.html ">Female Friends</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/female.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, 
he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. 
He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. 
It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk 
for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, 
"You're really hot!" 

You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just 
around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?" 

It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. Before we go up there 
though the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: 
Do you like doing it Greek style?" 

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, 
"but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!" 
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they 
get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man 
can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. 
"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?" 

"Definitely!" the man replies. 

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up 
on the bed on yours hands and knees." 

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes 
and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes 
around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. 

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, 
"Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" 

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man. 

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, 
getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is 
pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, 
"Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" 

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. 

"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!" 

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice to where he couldn't 
get away if he tried, and she yells out, . . . "Hey Nikos, he's ready!"

Ó¿Ó----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------Ó¿Ó

**New** Have YOUR birthday listed ...Join the Birthday
Club by visiting:
<a href=" http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/ ">Birthday Club</a>
http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1951 Dwight Twilley country singer (Twilley Don't Mind) 
1954 Harvey Fierstein playwright (Torch Song Trilogy) 
1955 Dana Carvey Missoula Montana, comedian (Church Lady-SNL) 
1955 Sandra Bernhard comedian/actress bugs Letterman (King of Comedy) 
1956 Bj”rn B”rg Sodertlage Sweden, tennis champ (Wimbeldon 1976-79) 
1956 Marilyn Jones Pitts Pa, actress (Carey-King's Crossing) 
1959 Amanda Pays actress (Max Headroom, Off Limits) 
1960 Gary Graham actor (Money on the Side) 
1961 Sydney Walsh actress (Mo-Hooperman) 
1961 Terri Nunn Calif, singer (Berlin-You Take my Breathe Away) 
1964 Dee C Lee [Diane Sealey], rocker (Style Council-You're Best Thing) 
1964 Sherry J Traylor Mexico Missouri, Miss Missouri-America (1991) 
1965 David Whyte rocker (Brother Beyond-Can You Keep a Secret) 
1967 Max Casella actor (Vinnie-Doogie Howser) 
1969 Douglas Lee Mitchell Miles Mi, heavy metal artist (Southgang) 

.....and on this day in history:

1953 J Churms discovers asteroid #2025 
1955 Bill Haley & Comets, "Rock Around the Clock" hits #1 
1960 Roy Orbison releases "Only the Lonely" 
1962 Beatles meet their producer George Martin for the 1st time 
           Beatles record "Besame Mucho" with Peter Best on drums 
1965 Yankees Tom Tresh bangs 3 consecutive homers beating White Sox 12-0 
1966 Activist James Meredith shot in Mississippi 
1966 Claus Von Bulow & Martha (Sunny) Crawford wed 
1966 James Meredith wounded by white sniper 
1966 NFL & AFL announce their merger 
1967 6 day war between Israel & Arab neighbors begin 

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved
his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the
cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in
England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked.

"Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that
way?"

"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired
the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the
bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you
could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire
Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow
night, you could have told me that they dropped him and
broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can
for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could
have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat
passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a
shock.

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but
the Fire Department is getting her down."

Ó¿Ó----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------Ó¿Ó

The Bully Pulpit

   I'm a goddam bully and I like it. Gimme a patsy to push around and I'm 
busier than a one-armed man with a paddle at an ass-whooping convention. I 
believe in punishment, not because there are people who deserve to be punished, 
but because I like punishing people. Makes me feel good. Doesn't matter what 
they did, it serves them right. Vanquishing a foe gets me much harder than 
beating them in a pansy argument. Physical power trumps brain power every time. 
Might doesn't make right. Right or wrong makes no difference to me as long as I 
get to exert my power, because it's all about me and my ability to push people 
around. Whatever makes me feel good, and today, nothing would please me more 
than exercising a bit of discipline. Not on my self, of course. On others. 

     You saw me in the schoolyard and you tried to stay out of my way but it 
didn't work. I stopped you on the way home and broke all your pencils. Tough 
shit. Run away crying. You fail to realize that the only thing of importance in 
this universe is my getting my way. Bow down before me, you sniveling toad, and 
watch what it's like to be me. Don't get in my way. Do what I say or get hurt, 
even if what I say has no meaning, even to me. ESPECIALLY if it has no meaning 
to me. Do you think I NEED your tongue on my shoe? Tongues are a dime a dozen. 
What I need is proof that you will do what I say. Read that sentence again. 

More?....

<a href=" http://www.disinfotaimenttoday.com ">Disinfotaiment Today</a>
http://www.disinfotaimenttoday.com

Ó¿Ó-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------Ó¿Ó

The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per
year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful
information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads,
investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At
Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann
Gutenberg. 
-Dave Barry

Ó¿Ó-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------Ó¿Ó

Berserk Briefs, satire-by-sroka, Unpublished Proceedings and the 
World Famous Calendars/Short Stories..exclusively at 
paulsfunhouse.com
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Iraqi Misinformation Minister on Saddam Being Alive & Well
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/iraqimin7.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/iraqimin7.shtml ">Iraqi Misinformation 
Minister on Saddam Being Alive & Well</a>

Saddam and Osama Have Been Found
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/foundthem.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/foundthem.shtml ">Saddam and Osama Have 
Been Found</a>

Shortage of Masks Leads To Alternate Protective Measures
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sars.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sars.shtml ">Shortage of Masks Leads To 
Alternate Protective Measures</a>

Virtual Kick In The Ass
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/kickinass.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/kickinass.shtml ">Virtual Kick In The 
Ass</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

On a family vacation in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike
exhibited the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he
and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal
arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.

"Wow," he exclaimed, "everything is bigger in Texas!"

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the
cold stare of a 300-pound waitress.

Ó¿Ó---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------Ó¿Ó

wasted webspace site of the day:

watch george bush dance his troubles away

<a href=" http://www.dancingbush.com/ ">dancing bush</a>
http://www.dancingbush.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: 

"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that 
our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor 
has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the 
country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, 
NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow."

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

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<a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html";>Lovers Caught On Tape</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Abe was well known for his cheapness and his 'eye for
a bargain'. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding
present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop.
 
As he was walking around, he noticed what was
previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in
the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling
with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $5. 
He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his
niece's name and address and gave the owner another $3
so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and
mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased
with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase
had broken in the mail.

A few days later, he called his niece to see if the
present had arrived.

"Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces
when it was delivered."

"What terrible luck." said Abe, "The Post Office is
getting worse all the time."

"It's really a shame," she replied. "It was so beautifully
wrapped. Each piece separately."

Ó¿Ó--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------Ó¿Ó

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal
friends. 

 Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Do you know what percent of the of the world's labor force is employed in 
agriculture?

A. 25 percent
B. 45 percent
C. 60 percent
D. 100 percent

<Answers in Next Issue!>

11/05

Last Issue's Answers:

Unique and primitive forms of animal life exist in Australia. How many families 
of mammals are classified as native to the country?

B. 7

QQ: Unique and primitive forms of animal life exist in Australia. Seven 
families of mammals and four families of birds are classified as native to the 
country.

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: address@hidden
Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Truly A Gas Powered Grill
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gasgrill.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gasgrill.shtml ">Truly A Gas Powered 
Grill</a>

Clever Place For A Cheat Sheet
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cheatsheet.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cheatsheet.shtml ">Clever Place For A 
Cheat Sheet</a>

Feeling Sad, Lonely, Like Nobody Cares???
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ts.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ts.shtml ">Feeling Sad, Lonely, Like 
Nobody Cares???</a>

So Thats How She Got That Shapely Figure
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/girdle.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/girdle.shtml ">So Thats How She Got That 
Shapely Figure</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Cleveland
Parachute Club."

A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the
Cleveland Prostitute Club?"

"Oh no sir", came the embarrassed reply, "this is the Cleveland
Parachute Club."

"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your
salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week."

Ó¿Ó-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------Ó¿Ó

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out 
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family 
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

Ó¿Ó---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------Ó¿Ó

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the 
past!

June 6th 2002:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m873.html ">Archives</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m873.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Do you love this ezine?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[A Classic Groaner]

A string walks into a bar. He jumps up on the barstool, pounds on the 
bar and says, "Bartender! Bring me a beer!" The bartender looks at 
the string and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind in 
here. Now GET OUT!"

The saddened string leaves the bar, puts on a makeshift disguise and 
goes back in. The waiter takes one look at the string and says, "I 
thought I already told you--we don't serve your kind here. GET OUT."

Now the string is pissed. He leaves the bar and rushes home. He 
messes up his hair and ties himself in a knot.

The string hops back into the bar and jumps up on a 
barstool. "Bartender, bring me a beer!" The bartender looks curiously 
at him and says, "Hey, aren't you that string that keeps comin' in 
here?"

The string looks at him and says, "Nope, I'm a-frayed-knot."

Ó¿Ó------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Pie Puzzle
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/piepuzzle.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/piepuzzle.shtml ">Pie Puzzle</a>

Letter Rip
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/letterip.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/letterip.shtml ">Letter Rip</a>

Master Solitaire
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/solitaire.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/solitaire.shtml ">Master Solitaire</a>

Sonic Spinball
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sonic.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sonic.shtml ">Sonic Spinball</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Mexican.
He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After
three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the
courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over
towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes
and smacks the crap out of him, knocking him swiftly off
his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the
bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking
lot and returned to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to
the big Mexican. "I've never seen you react like that," he
says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about
a job."

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Computer got you down?  Get Help NOW!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/6.html ">Help Desk</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, 
Little Johnny came walking by. Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, 
took out his pocket knife and said "Frog, I's gon cut yo' legs off!"

Then he said, "Frog, after I gets don' cuttin' yo legs off, I's gon' 
stick this here Popsickle stick up yo' rear end! And then, Frog......." 

This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, 
and said, "Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to 
you!" 

Little Johnny said, "Frog, dis here's yo' lucky day, 'cause I's gonna 
kiss yo' ass."

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Just Taking A Peek
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/takinapeek.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/takinapeek.shtml ">Just Taking A Peek</a>

Go F Yourself
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gfy2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gfy2.shtml ">Go F Yourself</a>

Closed For My Daughters Wedding
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/closed.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/closed.shtml ">Closed For My Daughters 
Wedding</a>

Defining Bra Sizes
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/brasize.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/brasize.shtml ">Defining Bra Sizes</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------Ó¿Ó

A Norwegian air ambulance crew almost ignored the smell
of an on board fire because they thought it was just
the patients farting.

They noticed a cabbage-like smell which turned out to
be a blaze near the front window of the aircraft.

An investigation has traced the smell to burning wire
insulation.

"Everyone who has flown knows that gases arise that
need to slip out. It isn't unusual that this happens
to our patients," said ambulance chief Geir-Arne
Soerensen of Air Transport, the company responsible
for the flight.

The flames flared up three times, despite attempts to
extinguish them and smoke soon started to fill the cabin,
according to Aftenposten.

The co-pilot managed to bring the plane down, where an
emergency evacuation took place.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not
there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to <www.Heaven.com>. Please
enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have
either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot
your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the
following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you." The
fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and
"Favorite Food."

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find
a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man
clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends
some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service
is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a
button marked "Back." He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to <www.Purgatory.com>.
Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[||||]       S T E W A R T ' S    F O L L Y        [||||]

"Martha Stewart faces imminent indictment on criminal charges...  as a 
result of an investigation into a personal stock trade...  that has 
weighed down her media and merchandizing empire for more than a year."   
 (USA/6/4)

The domestic diva's cable series "From Martha's Kitchen," "From Martha's 
Home," and "From Martha's Garden" will be replaced by "From Martha's 
Cell Block."

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. 
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Through the miracle of modern fertility technology a
70 year-old woman gives birth to a baby boy. After a
few days she's discharged from the hospital with great
fanfare and goes home.

Immediately her relatives rush to her house to see the
miracle baby. They gather at her bedside.

"May we see the new baby?" one asks eagerly

"No, not yet," says the 70 year-old mother. "Soon."

They wait patiently for thirty minutes. Another relative
asks "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," repeats the mother.

After another twenty minutes pass, they ask again,  "We're
dying to see the baby. When CAN we 
see him?"

Irritated, the new mother declares: "WHEN HE CRIES".

"When he cries?" they ask, very puzzled. "Why do we have
to wait until he CRIES, for God's sake??"

"BECAUSE, I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM..."
 
Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Free Boxers...yeah I said FREE BOXERS!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/18.html ">Free Boxers</a> 

Ó¿Ó---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------Ó¿Ó

As a robber, the knife-wielding man who held up a
7-Eleven/Citgo mini-mart in Aurora, Illinois four
times since May 8 wasn't the brightest.

For one thing, police said Tuesday, he kept hitting
the same place, which helped store employees provide
a description of him.

For another, he didn't wear a mask.

Which helped the police when the convenience store on
Aurora's West Side was robbed again early Monday.
They found Shane C. Spooner hiding in a nearby
cluster of trees.

It turned out that Spooner, 28, lives less than half
a mile from the store.

"He may have been looking to give a whole new meaning
to the word 'convenience,' " Aurora police spokesman
Dan Ferrelli said.

Spooner is accused of first robbing the store on May 8
and then returning to rob it three more times on May 10,
May 17 and again about 1:20 a.m. Monday. No one was hurt
in any of the holdups. He also is accused of robbing
another convenience store on May 18 and a grocery store
early Monday, about three hours after the robbery at
the 7-Eleven.

Spooner is being held in the Kane County Jail on
$400,000 bail.

Ó¿Ó---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A man approaches a beautiful woman, and says, "Want a little company?" 

And the woman says, "Why? Do you have one to sell?"

Ó¿Ó--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[Editors Note: Lets welcome a new contributor to the family....
Tom joins us from a writers group that I belong to and will be
a regular feature]

You ever notice how sometimes, when you install new software 
on your computer, once it's in place and ready to be used, 
before you can use it, a window pops open saying, "Would you 
like to register this program now?"

I always click the "Remind me later" option. In fact, if there 
was a "Never ask me again" button, I'd push that. 

"Where would you like to install this program?"

There's another stupid question. How about on my computer where 
I can use it? It's been my experience that keeping the CD in the 
box hampers the software's usefulness. Or in a bucket in my 
basement with a towel draped over it. 

So then it gives you a suggestion on where to put it on your 
harddrive.

"The directory C:FavoritesNaked_poker does not exist. Would 
you like to create it now?"

Nah, just go ahead and install the software anywhere. If I need 
it bad enough, I'll simply hunt through the thousands of files 
already cluttering up my drive. 

OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO CREATE THAT DIRECTORY!

Now, I realize that some folks might have two harddrives in their 
computer and may prefer installing some of their programs to one 
or the other. Sure. I can understand that. I can even relate to it. 
But it's still annoying to be machinegunned with questions. Sort of 
like when your wife nags you. Years ago, my wife use to be really 
bad about that. She'd ask one question right after the next without 
so much as a pause inbetween to take a breath. 

Another annoying thing about some software is that, once it's 
installed, they want to hit you with a survey, some kind of idiotic 
poll. 

Here's one I just went through after installing Norton 
Systemworks 2002.

"What generated your interest in this product?"

I needed it.

"Where did you purchase this software?"

Purchase? Hehehe...no, no. That's why I have a CD burner!

"How do you typically purchase your software?"

Well, I'll tell ya, when I can't pirate it, I take it home 
from the office overnight and hope no one misses it until I 
get it back in the morning. I guess that's not really "purchasing", 
is it?

"Where do you use your computer?"

While sitting in a cauldron of boiling whale oil. How 'bout 
yourself?

"Do you use a modem?"

Nope. Just a tin can with a bit of string attached running 
out my window to the ISP here in town. I use to use smoke signals, 
though. Boy, was I behind the times or what!

"Do you use a CD-ROM?"

How else do you think I made a copy of your software? Duh. Of 
course I use a CD-ROM.

"Where do you use the Internet?"

Porn sites, MSNBC.com, CNN.com, Netwits.com (when it's actually 
up). Places like that. Weird, huh? Have any recommendations?

I find it hard to believe any of this information is useful. 
Granted, I don't know the first thing about marketing, either. 
Still, you have to wonder, why do they care about my title?

"What is your title?"

1) Mr.
2) Mrs.
3) Ms.
4) Dr.
5) Other

I always check "Other" and write in, "El Generalissimo".

It's like those cards you can sometimes fill out at restaurants. 
You know which ones I mean. The kind which ask how your service was.

"How was your server?"

Shallow, a bit dull in the eye, probably better suited for clerical 
work requiring little responsibility, but a steady paycheck for beer 
and condoms. She had a cute ass, though. 

Or how about the cards in hotel rooms? Those are always fun to
fill out.

"What can we do to improve your next visit with us?"

Let me stay for free and more hookers and beer!

"Did you have a comfortable stay in your room?"

Dunno. I was only there long enough to nail my secretary over 
lunch. It was ok, I guess.

Next chance you get, fill out those cards. Someone somewhere is 
reading them. Why not make it an enjoyable experience for them 
and you? 

Other than that, I find these incessant questions annoying as hell.

---

"Born in 1966, Tom Norris is an aspiring writer in the tiny
farming hamlet of West Liberty, Iowa, home of the world
famous Eulenspiegel Puppet Theatre Company. Though he has
never seen an actual production by this group, he has walked
past their storefront several times.

Aside from writing, Mr. Norris also farms, is known far and wide
for his mastery of the mouth harp, and was a key player in the
creation of the 1979 peace treaty between the nations of Israel
and Egypt.

When you're done surfing for porn, why not visit his website?
http://www.avalon.net/~drno/ "

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