[AlcoveBook-dev] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 16

[The Grand Pooh-Bah Of Humour]

Ó¿Ó<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->Ó¿Ó
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Formerly known as Purehumour...Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour is
sent by request ONLY.  If you wish to unsubscribe from this list
please see the instructions at the bottom of every mailing.

For those of you keeping count...this is issue #`16 even though the
last issue was issue #14 ... seems that we had two issue #12's a 
while back!  ;)

Just to prove that I am human...although many will argue that fact...
in the last issue I forgot to give credit to one of the most frequent
contributors to my ezines.  Rubin has been with me since forever...
but in the last issue I forgot all about him...so Rubin you have my
most heartfelt thank you for all the contributions you have made 
in the past and a huge thank you for all the contributions you will
continue to make in the future.  (told ya I would make it up to you).  ;)

Congratulations to the New Jersey Devils on their Stanley Cup Win
last night.  It took seven games to beat the Mighty Ducks from 
Anaheim.  I am sure  a few tears were shed around North America
last night as midnight arrived and the Cinderella team turned back
into a pumkin...but what a run they had...and I thnk that the Ducks
really showed what true spirit is all about.  WTG Ducks and congrats
Devils.

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Rubin, Barb, Terri,
Pat, Carole.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">Jokes</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Lets start with a quickie:

The man says to his hair stylist, "My hair is falling out. What can I 
use to keep it in?"

The stylist replies, "Might I suggest a shoebox?"

Ó¿Ó------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Today's issue is brought to you by:

INTRODUCING the Dot Com Ad Co-op.

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Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

When the man asked his widower father why he'd 
married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never 
satisfy instead of a woman his own age, 
the old man said, 

"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business
than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."

Ó¿Ó----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------Ó¿Ó

**New** Have YOUR birthday listed ...Join the Birthday
Club by visiting:
<a href=" http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/ ">Birthday Club</a>
http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1951 Dan Fouts NFL QB (San Diego Chargers) 
1955 Andrew Stevens Memphis Tn, actor (Seduction, Boys in Company C, Fury) 
1959 Timothy Van Patten Bkln NY, actor (White Shadow, Master) 
1961 Maxi Priest rocker (Wide World) 
1962 Duane Sutter NHL player (NY Islander) 
1966 Doug McKeon NJ, actor (Big Shamus Little Shamus, Centennial) 
1967 Human Beatbox (Darren Robinson) rocker (Fat Boys-Jail House Rock) 
1973 David Friedman LA Calif, actor (Jason-Little House on the Prairie) 
1991 James Cleveland McFadden-Talbot son of Gates McFaden (Star Trek NG) 

.....and on this day in history:

1952 Chic White Sox Sam Mele is 6th to get 6 RBIs in an inning (4th) 
1954 PBS reaches SF: KQED (Channel 9) starts broadcasting 
1955 1st separation of virus into component parts reported 
1956 16th modern Olympiad equestrian events open in Stockholm 
1957 Harold MacMillan becomes British PM 
1957 John Diefenbacker (C) elected PM of Canada 
1959 Rocky Colovito hits 4 HRs in 1 game 
1962 A record 54 home runs hit in baseball 
1962 Igor Ter-Ovanesyan of USSR, sets then long jump record at 27' 3¬" 
1964 Southern filibuster on civil rights bill ends; cloture invoked 
1965 A R Klemola discovers asteroid #2370 van Altena 
1966 Beatles "Paperback Writer" is released in the UK 
1966 Beatles record "Rain", 1st to use reverse tapes 
1966 Cleve Indian Sonny Siebert no-hits Wash Senator, 2-0 
1966 Janis Joplins 1st live concert (Avalon Ballroom in SF) 
1967 15,000 attend Fantasy Faire & Magic Mountain Music Festival, Calif 
1967 Israel, Syria, Jordan, Iraq & Egypt end "6-Day War" with UN help 

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Hormone Hostage 
 
The Hormone Hostage knows that there 
are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his own hands! 

This is a handy guide that should be as 
common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or
significant other! 

DANGEROUS....What's for dinner? 
SAFER....Can I help you with dinner? 
SAFEST....Where would you like to go for dinner? 
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS....Are you wearing that? 
SAFER....Wow, you look good in brown. 
SAFEST....WOW! Look at you! 
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS....What are you so worked up about? 
SAFER....Could we be overreacting? 
SAFEST....Here's fifty bucks. 
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS....Should you be eating that? 
SAFER....You know, there are a lot of apples left. 
SAFEST....Can I get you a glass of wine with that? 
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS....What did you do all day? 
SAFER....I hope you didn't over-do it today. 
SAFEST....I've always loved you in that robe! 
ULTRASAFE....Have some more chocolate. 

And remember: Money talks....But Chocolate sings.

Ó¿Ó----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------Ó¿Ó

And They Say the UN is Unnecessary
  
Look what happens when you add "UN" to the following statement...  

"The war to rid Iraq of destructive weapons was UNjustified,
and the UNtruth about Saddam Hussein's ability to create and
use deadly germs and bombs will come in time. We're on the
look. We'll reveal the UNtruth." 
- George W. Bush in a speech to 1,000 cheering troops - 

What? Only 25?
  
Project Censored has a new page of the Top 25 Censored Media
Stories of 2001-2002. 

One They Missed
  
The US military made this short film warning our troops about
depleted uranium in the field but never showed it to them. 

More?....

<a href=" http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com ">DisInfotaiment Today</a>
http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com

Ó¿Ó-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------Ó¿Ó

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one
of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was
afraid to bet." 
-Henry Youngman

Ó¿Ó-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------Ó¿Ó

Exclusively at paulsfunhouse.com- Dan Sroka's Humor Network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

If Trained Right, Could Possibly Be Womans Best Friend
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wbf.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wbf.shtml ">If Trained Right, Could 
Possibly Be Womans Best Friend</a>

Chinese Street Sweeper
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sweeper.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sweeper.shtml ">Chinese Street 
Sweeper</a>

Whats Better About Him
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/better.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/better.shtml ">Whats Better About Him</a>

Actresses With & Without Makeup
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/actress.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/actress.shtml ">Actresses With & Without 
Makeup</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[A Classic!]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long 
illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked 
O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have 
cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." 

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he 
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the 
waiting room, where his son had been waiting. 
 
"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints." 

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating. 

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the 
bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his 
impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." 
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a 
couple of more beers. 

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered 
his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of 
cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" 

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother 
after I am gone." 

Ó¿Ó---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------Ó¿Ó

wasted webspace site of the day:

this site guesses the name of any movie or show you think of

<a href=" http://www.guessthename.com/ ">guess the name</a>
http://www.guessthename.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Laura, Wendy, Keli, and Anni returned to the clubhouse after an
afternoon of golf.

"How did your game go?" asked the club pro.

"Great," replied Laura. "I had a terrific round with 25 riders."

"Very good," said Wendy. "I did pretty well with 18 riders."

"Okay," allowed Keli. "I didn't do too badly with 12 riders."

"Not too good." admitted Anni. "I only had four riders the entire
round."

A bit confused, but not wanting to sound ignorant because he
didn't know what a rider was, the pro smiled and wished them
better luck the next time. After they left, however, he approached
Joe the bartender and asked, "John, can you tell me what in the
world a rider is?"

"Sure," said John, smiling. "A rider is when you have hit a shot
long enough to take a ride on a golf cart."

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Win up to $100,000 and donate to a good cause at the same
time:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Lottery For Fun</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Laura and Ron entered a "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at
the gold club. Ron really didn't want to play, but he reluctantly
agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.

Ron got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive
300 yard down the middle of the fairway.

When they reached the ball, Ron turned to Laura (a novice golfer),
"Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be
fine."

Laura proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, Ron said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent
five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot
of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole
on the green.

Arriving on the green Ron said, "Now, Laura, all you have to do is
knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right
off the green and into a sand trap.

Ron, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap,
summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from
there.

Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife
and calmly said, "Laura, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but
that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole."

Laura snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5*
shots were mine!"

Ó¿Ó--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------Ó¿Ó

I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue."
Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

 Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Who is responsible for safeguarding and transporting federal prisoners in the 
U.S.?

A. The FBI
B. The CIA
C. The Secret Service
D. The U.S. Marshal Service

<Answers in Next Issue!>

18/05

Last Issue's Answers:

 Do you know what percent of the of the world's labor force is employed in 
agriculture?

B. 45 percent

QQ: Have you hugged a farmer today?

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: address@hidden

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Topless Babes At The Bar
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/topless.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/topless.shtml ">Topless Babes At The 
Bar</a>

Big Fat Ass Coupon
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bfa.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bfa.shtml ">Big Fat Ass Coupon</a>

I Bought My Ex A Cat
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill43.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill43.shtml ">I Bought My Ex A Cat</a>

Take Your Best Shot
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bestshot.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/takinapeek.shtml ">Take Your Best 
Shot</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A man was on a a long walk in the country. He became thirsty
so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something
to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of
soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the
kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal
of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig
this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his
bowl you're using."

Ó¿Ó-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------Ó¿Ó

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out 
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family 
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

Ó¿Ó---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------Ó¿Ó

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the 
past!

June 9th 2000

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m461.html ">Archives</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m461.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Do you love this ezine?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------Ó¿Ó

There was this monkey that had been trained in a laboratory to eat using a 
fork. The monkey called the fork his "three-point-tool" because it had the 
three points.

One day, he escaped back to the jungle, taking his three point tool with 
him. However, he lost it, and so he set out to find it.

First he went up to a giraffe. "Hello Giraffe" said the monkey. "Have you 
seen my three point tool?"

"No" said the giraffe. "I haven't seen your three point tool."

Then he went up to a zebra. "Hello Zebra" said the monkey. "Have you seen 
my three point tool?"

"No" said the zebra. "I haven't seen your three point tool."

Then he went up to a jaguar. "Hello Jaguar" said the monkey. "Have you 
seen my three point tool?"

"Yes" said the jaguar. "I ate it."

"You ate it!?" cried the monkey.

"Yes" said the jaguar, "I'm a three point tool eater jaguar."

Ó¿Ó------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Play BAP
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bap.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bap.shtml ">Play BAP</a>

Your Favorite Celebrities NUDE
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seethemnude.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seethemnude.shtml  ">Your Favorite 
Celebrities NUDE</a>

Magic Card Trick
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/magic1.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/magic1.html ">Magic Card Trick</a>

Dick Head Test
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dhtest.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dhtest.shtml ">Dick Head Test</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Top Ten Signs You Are Being Stalked By Martha Stewart:

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of
a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout
and the half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite
tarragon,rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan- crusted
hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you
leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been
folded into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes
an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing
in every orifice.

AND THE NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at
your temple.

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke! 
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/19.html ">Lotto-Fun</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced,
the flight attendants played a trivia game with the
passengers. They asked us to guess the total number
of years the three of them had worked for the
airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard
the announcement:
"The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And
for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years,
would you please step off the plane once we are airborne?"

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Another New Mouse For Men
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/newmouse2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/newmouse2.shtml ">Another New Mouse For 
Men</a>

Find The Dogs
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dalm.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dalm.shtml ">Find The Dogs</a>

Sleeping Positions & What They Mean
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sleep.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sleep.shtml ">Sleeping Positions & What 
They Mean</a>

Too Big For Me
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/big.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/big.shtml ">Too Big For Me</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------Ó¿Ó

An Austrian motorist blew up his car when he tried
to open it with his remote control key fob.

The Ford Cougar exploded, sending car parts flying
hundreds of feet in all directions.

Police in Sollenau initially treated the case as a
possible bomb attack but it turned out the owner of
the car was to blame.

He was carrying two containers of oxy-acetaline gas
in his car trunk, reports Die Krone newspaper.

Police Chief Inspector Rudolf Scheidl said: "On both
containers, the valves weren't closed."

When the owner of the car used the remote, a spark set
off the mixture of gas and air inside the car.

Nobody was injured but eight other cars were
damaged.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A lady called a music store about a recording, but
dialed wrong and connected with an auto mechanic
instead.

She asked, "Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"

He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."

She responded, "Is that a record?"

He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[||||]       M Y    S U M M E R    V A C A T I O N        [||||]

"Passing above Iraq at 31,000 feet, staff pointed out landmarks 
including the International Airport outside Baghdad...  "    (LAT/6/6)

The excited president Crayoned a gift copy of "My First Geography Color 
Book" while proudly displaying the plastic wings given to him when he 
visited the cockpit.

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. 
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Sam was getting up in years but was the only witness in a burglary
case in Miami. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client
commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure
you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye
sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

He quickly replied, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Are you fully protected from viruses?
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Virus Protection</a>

Ó¿Ó---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------Ó¿Ó

Two men tried to leave a bank robbery in a getaway car
that wouldn't start, a move that stalled their criminal
careers. 

Cleveland police arrested them yesterday after a heist
at a National City Bank on Lorain Avenue. Authorities
said this is what happened: 

A man in his 30s, wearing jeans and a brown leather
jacket, walked into the bank shortly before 3:30 p.m.
and hurdled the counter, screaming at customers to get
down. He rifled the tellers' drawers for cash and then
bolted to a waiting friend's car. 

The car wouldn't start. The driver didn't move, but the
man who went into the bank did. He tried to steal a car
parked in the lot. When that failed, he ran into a home,
where he tried to steal the keys to another car. 

Officers and residents chased him down, prompting him to
run to Interstate 90. There he tried to flag down cars and
trucks, before he was arrested. 

Some of the money was recovered. Robbery charges are
expected to be filed later. 

"It's very weird, and it's very stupid, but I don't think
we're dealing with geniuses here," a law enforcement officer
said. 

Ó¿Ó---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Why is a joke like sex? 

Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Ó¿Ó--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Snakes Have Feelings Too, You Know!

Scientists call them herpetologists. I call them weirdos.

People who watch snakes, study snakes and even -- ick! -- LIKE snakes
all descend on Narcisse, Manitoba every Spring to watch the Great Snake
Awakening.

That's when thousands and thousands of allegedly harmless garter snakes
-- some estimate as many as 70,000 -- slither out from the cracks in the
limestone bedrock and do what snakes like to do: scare the bejeezus out
of me.

I hate snakes. I don't just dislike them, I hate them with a white hot
passion that's usually reserved for personal injury lawyers. I scream
like a girl whenever I see one (a snake, not a lawyer), and I've already
checked under my desk several times as I write this to make sure one
hasn't snuck in here (still a snake, but also a lawyer).

So why people would want to watch snakes pop out of the ground without
beating them with a large stick is beyond me. But starting on Mother's
Day, snake geeks begin showing up at the Narcisse snake dens to watch
the snakes emerge from their winter slumber to eat frogs and toads, and
to mate.

"There's nothing else out here but the snakes," Darlene Herron, a
roadside snack seller, told the Associated Press. "I don't know why
anyone brings their mother to the snake dens."

We've been through this, Darlene: they're weirdos. And apparently their
moms are weirdos too.

When the snakes emerge from their law offices -- I mean, underground
dwellings -- they haven't had anything to eat or mate with in seven
months, so they do both.

Voyeuristic visitors hike three miles to watch the mating ritual, where
dozens of horny male snakes climb onto the back of a single female snake
in the hopes of making more snakes. Some of these romantic pursuits are
known as mating balls. And because the spectacle is such a popular one,
there's even a statue of two mating snakes on the road leading to the
romantic reptilian rendezvous.

Young Impressionable Child: "Daddy, why is there a statue of two snakes
wrestling?"

Uncomfortable Father: "Uhh, you'd better ask your mother."

After the female has chosen the lucky male, the rejected suitors slither
away, and leave their  comrade to a lifetime of taking out the garbage
and mowing the lawn. Later in the summer, 20 to 50 more law students --
I mean, baby snakes -- are born as a result of the coupling, but happily
for snake haters like me, only two percent survive into adulthood.

That's because snakes have a lot of predators, including birds of prey,
like hawks and owls, weasels, foxes, and raccoons. So if you're ever
looking for a charity to support, please consider making a donation to
the Hawks, Owls, Weasels, Foxes, and Raccoons Defense Fund.

Dave Roberts, who is the wildlife technician in charge of the Narcisse
snake dens (i.e. the "Head Weirdo"), told the AP that the dens are ". .
. a great opportunity to pass on information about these snakes and
their stewardship. We try to teach a little more tolerance of the fact
these creatures live around us."

You go right ahead and teach snake tolerance, Dave. But I'm staying
right here in my own little corner of the world where the lawn mower
blade is always sharp, and the snakes are in short supply.

Roberts says  that males use their tongues to detect the pheromone that
attracts them to the female. However, he wasn't sure why some male
snakes also give off the female pheromone. Possibly to confuse rival
males, he said.

Sophia Munro, a Grade 5 teacher in Winnipeg, says on her website that
these "she-male" snakes are twice as lucky at mating than the
non-pheromone producing males. She also agrees that the "she-male"
snakes do confuse the other male snakes during the mating season.

However, scientists have shown that it's not uncommon for young male
snakes to be confused about their sexuality at times (not that there's
anything wrong with that), and that it's all just part of growing up.

The snakes will then travel as far as 10 miles into nearby marshes to
hang out for the summer, drink beer, and tell stories about how they're
suing McDonald's because their client ate there every day for 20 years
and got fat.

In the fall, the snakes who weren't eaten or disbarred make their way
back to their limestone offices to sleep for another seven months, and
the whole process starts all over again.

The whole idea is enough to give me a permanent case of the willies, and
to swear on a snakeskin-jacketed Bible never to set foot near the
Narcisse snake dens.

Driving a steamroller is an entirely different matter.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

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