Re: [Adonthell-general] Dwarven Origins, Draft Two

[Kai Sterker]

On Tue, 9 Jul 2002 12:07:21 +0200 Nils Fohrbeck wrote:

> Hi Andrew,
> 
> I tried to access the website but somehow it did not work. Any idea
> why. By the way, the Aragorn Poem is my favorite one as well, so
> congratulations on your good taste ;-)

> > http://endor.hsutx.edu/~cptlogic/adonthell/dwordraft2.hmtl

make that dwordraft2.html, then you'll get there :).


On to the comments:

I liked the brevity of the former draft, but the details you've added
are really nice as well. One or two errors crept in though:

At the beginning it says:
"On a pedestal stands the stone figure of a Dwarven female, clothed with
fitting dress and improved by inset gems."

But later on you write: 
"Long after, in the abandoning of the Mountains of Making for other
mines more rich with ore and gem, the artifices of the seven brothers
were removed and each became the heirloom of the line which had brought
it into being."

Clearly, the stuff can't be still there _and_ taken away :).


A smaller thing is:
"There was no beauty in the trees for them, for they were neither hard
enough nor malleable enough for proper crafting."

Wouldn't "[...] neither hard nor malleable enough [...]" be, well ...
enough?


In the "clothing scene" there are 8 brothers, while you always talk
about seven: 
1 "One whom all called Gildhammer [...]"
2 "The brothers, [...] called Stonetorch and Whetstone [...]"
1 "Another [...] called Ringforge [...]"
2 "Those brothers were both called Helmforge [...]"
1 "The fattest of the seven [...] was called Hillgirth [...]"
1 "The wisest called Gemthain [...]"
--
8


Other than that it's a very nice read already. Tell me once you think
its ready for inclusion in the library.

Kai