Re: [Adonthell-general] Dwarven Origins, Final Draft

[Kai Sterker]

On Tue, 9 Jul 2002 14:02:19 -0500 (CDT) Andrew Michael Phillips wrote:

> If there are no problems with this draft, then I deem it ready for 
> publication. Feel free to nitpick, since the flaws will go public if
> we don't.

You asked for it ;). I'll give the number of the paragraph containing
the 'bug', then fixing it will be easier for you.

[2] Here you call the mountains "Mountains of Craft", while in [19] they
are called "Mountains of Making".

[3] Forgot to remove that double "enough".

[4] Here you write 'ax', whereas later on you use 'axe'. I prefer 'axe',
is it looks a bit more archaic to me.

[5] "[...] so that they need not choose heavy things [...]"
That 'things' sounds a bit out of place to me. Not fitting the style, if
you know what I mean. Maybe you could replace it with something like
'tools and garments' or whatever you see fit.

[7] I believe this is the only place (apart from the beginning) where
you use 'father' instead of 'brother'. I think that is a little
confusing (though correct).

[10] "[...] eyes which to not see [...]"
s/to/do/

[13] "[...] so that it would marked at a distance [...]" 
Isn't there something missing? A 'be' perhaps?

"[...] making of lights and tools tools [...]"
s/tools tools/tools/

"Surely stone could not see." 
I would leave that bit away, because it makes one wonder why the guy
makes eyes of diamonds then, "a _stone_ clear, hard, keen, and dear."
(emphasis mine)

[14] "Gemthain travelled to another mountain [...]"
Maybe that mountain should get a name as well. If they knew that you
could find diamonds there, they probably had been there before and named
the place. Without a name it sounds pretty vague and doesn't really fit
with the rest of the text, which is rather detailed. That's just my
personal opinion though.

"They were sure that he return."
Grammar isn't my strength, but shouldn't that read "that he'd return"? I
could be easily mistaken though.

[15] "The dwarf [...]"
I think there is a slight difference between 'father of dwarves' and a
'dwarf'. Technically, the fathers are dwarves as well, but I think they
are sort of special. Maybe it'd be better to use 'father' or 'brother'
or 'Gemthain' instead.

[16] I would make that a "There the Lord of [...]". Sounds a but rough
otherwise.

[18] "Therefore, they had highly regarded as the forge and anvil of life
itself." That sorta makes no sense, does it? Who was regarded as forge
and anvil of life?

[19] "[...] the artifices of the seven brothers [...]"
s/seven/eight/

"The other treasures - [...]" 
I have the feeling that the sentence is cut off. If it's just a listing
of the items, maybe you should write something like "The other treasures
are [...]". Or you add something to the end, like:[...] and Throatgird's
Collar - remain still with the descendants of the fathers of dwarves".
Whatever.


Okay, that's a pretty long list, but afterwards it'll be perfect :).

Kai